There are cities where you fall in love.<\/p>\n
And then there\u2019s Los Angeles, where you optimize for it.<\/p>\n
For a year and a half, I was single. Not whimsically single. Not \u201cfinding myself in Europe\u201d single. I was actively participating single. Swiping. Showing up. Saying yes to men with podcasts, men with \u201cstealth startups,\u201d and men who described themselves as \u201cmulti-hyphenates\u201d like it was a personality trait.<\/p>\n
And somewhere between Sunset Boulevard and a glass house in the Hills, I realized something unsettling:<\/p>\n
I wasn\u2019t dating.<\/p>\n
I was conducting market research.<\/p>\n
Because dating in LA doesn\u2019t feel like romance. It feels like late-stage capitalism with a cocktail menu.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s start with Raya.<\/p>\n
Scroll to continue reading<\/p>\n
Raya is marketed as exclusive. Curated. Elevated. A velvet rope for the romantically elite. What it actually is is a rotating slideshow of DJs and actors who are either \u201cabout to make it\u201d or \u201cused to make it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Scroll.<\/p>\n
DJ in Mykonos.<\/p>\n
Scroll.<\/p>\n
DJ in Tulum.<\/p>\n
Scroll.<\/p>\n
An actor whose IMDb headshot hasn\u2019t emotionally updated since 2016.<\/p>\n
Every bio reads like a soft pitch deck. \u201cBuilding something big.\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s create.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t take life too seriously.\u201d<\/p>\n
Translation: I want intimacy without infrastructure.<\/p>\n
Raya isn\u2019t a dating app. It\u2019s LinkedIn for men in leather jackets.<\/p>\n
And the longer I was on it, the clearer it became: no one is swiping on people. We\u2019re swiping on projections. One possibility. On proximity to something shinier than ourselves.<\/p>\n
Dating in LA is less \u201cDo I like him?\u201d and more \u201cIs this a smart investment?\u201d<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve turned romance into venture capital.<\/p>\n
First dates feel like performance reviews. You sit across from each other at some dimly lit West Hollywood restaurant, and both of you are subtly calculating. <\/p>\n
Is she ambitious enough? <\/p>\n
Is he connected enough? <\/p>\n
Does this pairing make sense for the feed?<\/p>\n
Because here, you don\u2019t just date someone.<\/p>\n
You date their trajectory.<\/p>\n
The actors were my favorite genre. They never introduce themselves as actors. They say they\u2019re \u201cin entertainment.\u201d They talk about a pilot that \u201calmost got picked up.\u201d A role they \u201cwere this close to.\u201d A callback that would have \u201cchanged everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
And I would nod, as if I too could see the future version of them stepping onto a red carpet.<\/p>\n
The thing about potential in LA is that it glitters.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s intoxicating. It feels like you\u2019re standing next to something about to explode. You start to believe you\u2019re early to the party. That one day you\u2019ll look back and say, \u201cI knew him before.\u201d<\/p>\n
But potential is just a promise without proof.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s emotional cryptocurrency.<\/p>\n
Volatile. Hyped. Rarely liquid.<\/p>\n
And yet, for a year and a half, I kept investing.<\/p>\n
There were the DJs who \u201clived between cities\u201d but couldn\u2019t commit to dinner plans. The founders whose companies existed mostly on a Google Drive. The producers are producing nothing but ambiguity. One man told me he didn\u2019t believe in labels because he was \u201cfocused on expansion.\u201d<\/p>\n
Expansion of what? His brand? His options?<\/p>\n
It was never cruel. It was just\u2026 efficient.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s the quiet poison of late-stage capitalism. It teaches us that efficiency is sexier than devotion. That optionality is power. That commitment is a liability.<\/p>\n
Why choose one person when there might be someone better one swipe away?<\/p>\n
Why settle when the market is saturated?<\/p>\n
Somewhere along the way, love became a subscription service. Convenient. Cancelable. Upgradeable.<\/p>\n
And the house parties in the Hills only reinforced it. Glass mansions perched above the city like temples to ambition. Infinity pools reflecting the skyline. A DJ in the corner who insists he\u2019s \u201clowkey.\u201d Influencers drifting through rooms like sponsored apparitions.<\/p>\n
You stand on the balcony, looking out over the lights, and it feels cinematic. The city sparkles like it\u2019s promising you something bigger.<\/p>\n
And maybe it is.<\/p>\n
But look closer.<\/p>\n
Everyone is networking.<\/p>\n
Even in love.<\/p>\n
Conversations begin with \u201cWhat do you do?\u201d but what they really mean is \u201cWhere are you headed?\u201d No one wants stagnant. And in LA, stagnant is defined as content.<\/p>\n
Contentment is suspicious.<\/p>\n
Trajectory is desirable.<\/p>\n
So for a year and a half, I dated men in motion. Men optimizing. Men scaling. Men who treated relationships like beta versions.<\/p>\n
And slowly, I started doing the same.<\/p>\n
I would leave dates not asking, \u201cDid I like him?\u201d but \u201cDid I perform well?\u201d Was I impressive but not intimidating? Successful but not threatening? Fun but not messy?<\/p>\n
I wasn\u2019t dating.<\/p>\n
I was branding.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s hard not to in a city that monetizes everything. Social media gamified attraction. Dating apps turned chemistry into metrics. Suddenly, your desirability feels quantifiable. Measurable. Replaceable.<\/p>\n
You become hyperaware of your own market value.<\/p>\n
Am I enough?<\/p>\n
Or am I just another option in someone\u2019s queue?<\/p>\n
There was a moment that snapped it into focus. I was on a date with a man who kept checking his reflection in the back of his spoon. Not subtly. Fully. Adjusting. Assessing. Curating.<\/p>\n
And I realized I wasn\u2019t sitting across from someone trying to connect.<\/p>\n
I was sitting across from someone trying to maintain his image.<\/p>\n
I wasn\u2019t a partner.<\/p>\n
I was a prop.<\/p>\n
And the truth is, I had been auditioning too.<\/p>\n
Auditioning for the role of cool girl. Of supportive muse. Of a low-maintenance, high-value woman who understands the grind.<\/p>\n
But love isn\u2019t supposed to feel like a quarterly earnings call.<\/p>\n
It isn\u2019t supposed to require optimization.<\/p>\n
The most radical thing I learned during my year and a half single in Los Angeles is this:<\/p>\n
In a city obsessed with the almost, choosing something steady feels revolutionary.<\/p>\n
LA runs on almost.<\/p>\n
Almost famous.<\/p>\n
Almost rich.<\/p>\n
Almost ready.<\/p>\n
Almost in love.<\/p>\n
But almost doesn\u2019t show up when you\u2019re anxious at 2 a.m. Almost doesn\u2019t hold your hand when things are unglamorous. Almost doesn\u2019t choose you when something shinier appears.<\/p>\n
Almost is thrilling.<\/p>\n
But it is never enough.<\/p>\n
Late-stage capitalism tells us we must always be improving. Scaling. Expanding. But love doesn\u2019t scale.<\/p>\n
It settles.<\/p>\n
And settling, in the most beautiful sense of the word, means choosing the same person without an audience. Without a launch. Without a strategy. Without turning it into content.<\/p>\n
It means valuing proof over potential.<\/p>\n
Consistency over charisma.<\/p>\n
Presence over projection.<\/p>\n
So I stopped chasing the sparkle.<\/p>\n
Not dramatically. Not bitterly. Just intentionally.<\/p>\n
The DJs are still on Raya. The actors are still one callback away. The Hills are still glittering at night like a promise waiting to be claimed.<\/p>\n
But I no longer confuse glitter for gold.<\/p>\n
Because maybe the real luxury in Los Angeles isn\u2019t access.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s stability.<\/p>\n
And maybe the bravest thing you can do in a city built on branding is stop optimizing your heart.<\/p>\n
In a place where everything is in beta, choosing something real might be the most rebellious act of all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"There are cities where you fall in love. And then there\u2019s Los Angeles, where you optimize for it.…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":618285,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"0"},"categories":[5123],"tags":[1582,276,24593,264780,264781,2961,224,5337,217988],"class_list":["post-618284","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-los-angeles","tag-ca","tag-california","tag-dating-apps","tag-dating-in-l-a","tag-essays","tag-la","tag-los-angeles","tag-losangeles","tag-raya"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/116138807786998215","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/618284","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=618284"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/618284\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/618285"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=618284"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=618284"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=618284"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}