{"id":662907,"date":"2026-03-17T21:40:19","date_gmt":"2026-03-17T21:40:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/662907\/"},"modified":"2026-03-17T21:40:19","modified_gmt":"2026-03-17T21:40:19","slug":"i-helped-my-mother-in-law-after-a-bad-storm-then-i-was-met-with-a-wild-accusation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/662907\/","title":{"rendered":"I helped my mother-in-law after a bad storm. Then I was met with a wild accusation."},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I lost my first husband 20 years ago after he died of a heart attack at 27. He had just gone to bed and never woke up. We had been married for barely a year, and I never really got over waking up to a cold body next to me. \u201cJenna\u201d was my mother-in-law and basically my mother in truth because my mom was narcissistic and cruel. Even when I remarried and had babies of my own, Jenna stayed in my life. We lived in the same city, and my husband embraced her as \u201cAunt Jenna.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her daughters lived on opposite coasts and seemed to resent that I\u2019ve stayed so close to their mother. They have complained about me not knowing my place and Jenna \u201cfavoring\u201d my kids over theirs, but they never made an effort to visit Jenna or fly her out to visit them, despite them both taking multiple expensive vacations a year.<\/p>\n

Jenna is not doing well but is resisting the idea of appointing an executor or looking at professional care. My husband and I run our own business and have two teenagers. I am willing to take on more responsibility with Jenna, but not when I have to constantly argue with her daughters over every little thing. We recently had a bad storm, and Jenna\u2019s roof was badly damaged. I am the only one who went upstairs and noticed the broken window and damaged roof. Her daughter accused me of getting a \u201ckick back\u201d from recommending a roofer\u2014the same one Jenna\u2019s niece, neighbor, and I have used! I am so tired of this. Jenna\u2019s niece is a sensible woman, but she lives two hours away, while I am less than 20 minutes from her. I love her, but I am sick of this song and dance from the daughters who claim to love her but can\u2019t be bothered to join a Zoom call with her doctors unless I hold their hands and remind them. I only overstep because they refuse to step up. What do I do here?<\/p>\n

\u2014About Jenna<\/p>\n

Dear About Jenna,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Jenna is lucky to have you! You should continue to help her. But caregiving is hard enough work on its own. I don\u2019t want you to have to deal with people who, for some reason, resent your presence in their mom\u2019s life (why? Have they seen how much a professional would cost per hour?). And the allegation that you received a kickback from the handyman really concerns me.<\/p>\n

So, you should do two things that I hope will make this experience more pleasant and protect you:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n

    Reach out to the daughters in writing, explain your role in Jenna\u2019s life and what it means to you, and ask whether they have any concerns about it or would like you to step back. Explain that you care about her very much but don\u2019t want to be the source of any family tension or stay involved without their permission, especially as Jenna gets older and faces some big changes. I am almost certain that they will panic at the thought of the gap in care that would exist if you weren\u2019t around and assure you that you can keep doing what you\u2019re doing. It may also be disarming for them to feel they\u2019ve signed off on the arrangement.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n

  2. \n

    Then, put everything\u2014especially anything related to money or property\u2014in writing. Send a weekly email covering any chores or errands you helped with, any money that changed hands, and any medical updates. It doesn\u2019t seem like you\u2019re likely to get a lot of gratitude from these people, but at the very least, you can protect yourself from unfair accusations and unnecessary stress.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    \n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

    Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    My father, who is 84, and I (I\u2019m 53) were recently in a high-stress situation, with my mom being in the hospital. My father, who has never hit me before but has raised a hand about three times, raised his hand as if to backhand me, then grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a little shove toward the door.<\/p>\n

    I e-mailed him and told him that if he ever actually hit me, everything would change. He wrote back and said he didn\u2019t do it consciously, and the tone of his email was a little victim-blaming. For instance, he apologized if <\/strong>raising his hand was a threat! Anyway, I\u2019m adjusting to losing respect for him as a person. It feels worse to me that he said he did not do it consciously, rather than if he had said he did do it consciously. I can\u2019t understand why that part bothers me. Any suggestions?<\/p>\n

    \u2014Can\u2019t Understand My Reaction<\/p>\n

    Dear Reaction,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    I can understand why. The fact that he says he didn\u2019t do it consciously both lets him avoid taking responsibility and makes it possible that he could hit you (or do anything else for that matter!) in the future and just blame his arm for acting on its own. Being\u00a0around someone who had admitted to not being in control of their own actions is frightening. You should tell him as much and see if he changes his story.<\/p>\n

    Prudie Wants to Hear From You!<\/p>\n

    Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a>\u00a0Or submit a question here.<\/a><\/p>\n

    Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    I\u2019m a 43-year-old woman and have been friends with \u201cJacob\u201d for several years. Lately (the last six months or so), they\u2019ve begun reflecting on their gender identity, coming to realize that they\u2019re nonbinary and that \u201cJane\u201d (she\/they) is a more authentic version of themselves. They aren\u2019t transgender, and still consider \u201cJacob\u201d to be a valid part of who they are, but they prefer living as Jane as much as possible in their day-to-day life.<\/p>\n

    I am proud of my friend for choosing to allow this journey to happen, and I\u2019ve witnessed their evolution with love and support. But \u2026 you know how people have a certain energy to them? How we \u201cvibe\u201d with people? Jane feels very different to me.\u00a0We definitely have less in common, and I don\u2019t feel as comfortable around them as I did when they were just Jacob. I find myself making excuses to not hang out lately, and I\u2019ve realized it\u2019s because I just don\u2019t really enjoy hanging out with Jane.<\/p>\n

    As an ally, I have no problem being present and supporting anyone\u2019s efforts to be who they truly are. I\u2019m one of the few people Jane trusts to be on their side, and I am honored to be there. But, maybe because I have so few people I\u2019d consider close friends to begin with, I\u2019m really having trouble processing this change, and I\u2019m feeling sad that my friend isn\u2019t who they used to be. I don\u2019t know what to say to them to communicate my feelings about how the friendship is changing, without leaving them feeling rejected. I\u2019d appreciate getting your perspective.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Conflicted<\/p>\n

    Dear Conflicted,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    I\u2019m as interested in energy and vibes as the next person, but in this sensitive situation, it would be really helpful if you could try to identify something more concrete that is making your time with Jane unpleasant. You mention having less in common these days, and I would have loved to hear more about why\u2014and about what exactly they\u2019re doing that makes you feel less comfortable.<\/p>\n

    I\u2019ll take you at your word that you\u2019re totally supportive of their identity, so one guess about what\u2019s going on is that this friendship is being strained in the way many adult friendships are strained when one person goes through a big change or is experiencing something that demands a lot of their energy. Jane could be in a period of being a bit self-absorbed or preoccupied with their own presentation and the new experiences they\u2019re having. This isn\u2019t totally unlike what can happen when one friend has a baby, loses a ton of weight, survives cancer, or battles depression. In all these cases, being the other friend in the relationship means having some patience and also probably doing a bit more work.<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. \n <\/p>\n

      I Helped My Mother-in-Law After a Bad Storm. Then I Was Met With a Wild Accusation.
      \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Without a hint of intolerance or transphobia, and with transparency about how much you value the relationship, you can ask Jane to join you in thinking about what the next iteration of your friendship will be like. The key will be to frame it as requesting help fitting into their new life, rather than expressing distaste for the current situation. Try saying something like this: \u201cYou\u2019re one of my best friends, and I want to make sure we stay close and that I\u2019m there for you through all these big changes. So I was thinking we should really be intentional about what kinds of things we can still do together that keep us connected. Do you still want to train for that marathon we planned? What about coming over to watch a show we both like and make dinner once a week?\u201d<\/p>\n

      When you do get together, instead of sitting back and letting Jane set the tone and determine the topics of conversation, you can take the lead a bit by asking for advice about a situation at work or a situation with your family, picking their brain for insights on politics, cooking, or whatever they\u2019ve always been into. Or\u00a0propose an activity\u2014like redecorating your living room or borrowing dogs from the shelter to walk\u2014that provides an outlet for energy and conversation and doesn\u2019t leave you just sitting there evaluating them and how they\u2019ve changed. They really are the same person you were originally drawn to as a friend, and while Jane may be different in a lot of ways, I\u2019m sure there\u2019s enough in common that means you can still have a great friendship. The cruel thing to do at this moment in their life isn\u2019t to identify the distance between you and try to find solutions, it\u2019s to fade away without trying to close that gap.<\/p>\n

      Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

      I signed up for this political chat line on Reddit. There are thousands of people all talking at the same time, so you have to get in to fit in. This one guy sent me a request so we could chat off-side. I don\u2019t know exactly what it is about him, but he turned me on big time. I\u2019ve never heard his voice or seen a picture of him, but I\u2019m attracted to him. No one there uses their real names, but he asked me if I was married or seeing anyone. He lives in California, and he\u2019s 42\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

      Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I lost my first husband 20 years ago…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":662908,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"0"},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,29396,246,210,67,132,68],"class_list":["post-662907","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-health","tag-advice","tag-dear-prudence","tag-family","tag-health","tag-united-states","tag-unitedstates","tag-us"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/116246690411303761","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/662907","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=662907"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/662907\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/662908"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=662907"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=662907"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=662907"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}