{"id":76401,"date":"2025-07-19T21:55:11","date_gmt":"2025-07-19T21:55:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/76401\/"},"modified":"2025-07-19T21:55:11","modified_gmt":"2025-07-19T21:55:11","slug":"last-time-i-went-on-a-trip-without-my-daughter-disaster-struck-im-terrified-itll-happen-again","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/76401\/","title":{"rendered":"Last time I went on a trip without my daughter, disaster struck. I\u2019m terrified it\u2019ll happen again."},"content":{"rendered":"

Slate Plus members get\u00a0more\u00a0Care and Feeding<\/a>\u00a0every week. Have a question about kids, parenting, or family life?\u00a0Submit it here<\/a>!<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

A little over two years ago, I took a work trip overseas, leaving my kids, then 12 and 13, in the care of my partner, their stepfather (who loves them and is a stable, responsible person who had been in our lives for eight years). While I was at sea, I got a terrible message about my 12-year-old.<\/p>\n

She had tried to take her own life. She was already in regular therapy before this episode, but neither her therapist nor I had any idea that she was suicidal. Thank God she got through and is OK. Now, of course, we have all medications locked up always, and we\u2019re hypervigilant about both that and her moods and mental health, even more than we were before.<\/p>\n

Onwards to now: Daughter has had ups and downs. She had to finish the school year online, due to panic\/anxiety. But she also seems mostly fine now.<\/p>\n

My question is: How can I ever know that it\u2019s OK to leave her again? She really wants to be treated as \u201cnormal,\u201d like her sister. I don\u2019t want to pathologize her, and she\u2019s sick of therapy and hates the idea that she needs any special care. But, obviously, I worry all the time. I\u2019ve left her overnight for work trips since then, and she\u2019s been all right, but it\u2019s really stressful for me and my partner, and it\u2019s stressful for her too. Now I have a work trip coming up, my partner is coming with me, and the plan was for her to come too\u2014but she doesn\u2019t want to go. Do I have to force her to come? How long does this last? Is there ever going to be a time when it feels OK to let her stay with friends or family while I go out of town? And how do I take care of her without making her feel like I\u2019m suffocating her?<\/p>\n

\u2014Does Hypervigilance Ever End?<\/p>\n

Dear Hypervigilance,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Even if she\u2019s \u201csick of therapy,\u201d she must continue it. If she\u2019s exhausted the resources of the therapist she\u2019s been (or had been? Have you already discontinued it?) seeing since she was younger, it\u2019s time for a new one. This happens. But if at 14 she is still having panic attacks, had to finish the school year online, and becomes anxious when you leave her at home with her sister and stepfather, it is too soon to assess her as \u201cmostly fine.\u201d So the first order of business is to make sure she has the help and support she needs.<\/p>\n

I recognize that she wants to be treated the same way her sister is, and that she hates the idea of special care; the solution to this is not to accede to her demands but to help her understand that there is no such thing as normal. Explain to her that everyone is different and needs different kinds of support (you might offer a bunch of examples; if you look around, I think you\u2019ll find that they are easy to come by), and that her sadness (when it comes\u2014if it comes) and anxiety\/panic are aspects of herself that she needs to learn how to cope with and manage. Tell her that everyone has aspects of themselves or their lives that are hard, troubling, or just sometimes get in their way. Some people may make it look easy, but in fact, it\u2019s not really easy for anybody.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Michelle Herman
\n My Mother-in-Law Swears Her Irresponsible Parenting Practice Is \u201cFine.\u201d Not With My Kids.
\n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

But that is all advice for helping her. You need help too. (I know you do, because I\u2019ve been there.) I urge you to see a therapist to talk about what happened two years ago and about how it\u2019s affecting you. The two of you having at least one session together, with either your therapist or hers, would be especially valuable. I can\u2019t tell you when you\u2019ll feel at ease again leaving home, because there is no timeline for recovery from something as traumatic as a child\u2019s attempted suicide (there is no timeline for recovery from any trauma).<\/p>\n

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    I do know that forcing her to go with you on a trip is not a good idea\u2014it will make you both miserable. I\u2019d talk to her therapist about it (if she still has one; if she doesn\u2019t, and you\u2019ve yet to find a new one, do that now). You don\u2019t mention when this work trip is coming up, or whether it\u2019s one you are absolutely obliged to make, but if it\u2019s very soon and your job would be at risk if you were to skip it\u2014and there is no therapist for her or you in the picture\u2014I think your best way forward is to talk to your daughter frankly. Tell her you hate to make her come with you, but that you are too worried not to\u2014and that as soon as you get back, you will both be seeing therapists and figure out how to move forward from what\u2019s happened.<\/p>\n

    You most likely won\u2019t have to be so vigilant forever. She most likely will be able to stay with friends or family when you go away\u2014she may even be able to stay alone when she\u2019s older. But she will need help to get there. And so will you.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Michelle<\/p>\n

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    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Slate Plus members get\u00a0more\u00a0Care and Feeding\u00a0every week. Have a question about kids, parenting, or family life?\u00a0Submit it here!…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":76402,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[600,251,4757,159,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-76401","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-science","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-kids","10":"tag-parenting","11":"tag-science","12":"tag-slate-plus","13":"tag-united-states","14":"tag-unitedstates","15":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/114882132515412947","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/76401","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=76401"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/76401\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/76402"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=76401"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=76401"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=76401"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}