{"id":770587,"date":"2026-05-03T14:47:18","date_gmt":"2026-05-03T14:47:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/770587\/"},"modified":"2026-05-03T14:47:18","modified_gmt":"2026-05-03T14:47:18","slug":"parent-advice-my-kids-school-is-going-through-a-financial-scandal-what-parents-have-chosen-to-do-about-it-is-breaking-my-heart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/770587\/","title":{"rendered":"Parent advice: My kid’s school is going through a financial scandal. What parents have chosen to do about it is breaking my heart."},"content":{"rendered":"

Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0<\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

The elementary (K-8) school my kids attend has been struggling for several years due to staffing issues and other problems, and the issues were recently exacerbated by a financial scandal in the administration of the school, which caused several families to choose to move out of the neighborhood or enroll in other schools.<\/p>\n

Having fewer students has made the school experience even worse for the remaining students. For example, they no longer have enough students interested to be able to offer certain extracurricular activities. I\u2019m still deeply committed to this school and the chosen family there that I love, and have volunteered many hours and donated money to support the school. I am having a really hard time when other school families tell me they\u2019ve decided to leave. I understand their reasons, as I too feel disappointed by what\u2019s happened. But quite frankly, I feel like they are screwing over the rest of us.<\/p>\n

Some of these parents have been close friends of mine for almost a decade, and they want to remain friends and for our kids to stay close even though they are leaving the school. I feel like they are betraying our community and what I thought were our shared values, and I don\u2019t know how to continue with the friendships, nor do I really desire to. I\u2019m trying not to be petty and hold this against them, but I\u2019m honestly heartbroken and don\u2019t know how to act. I guess there\u2019s only a little bit left of the school year to avoid them at pickup, and then I can ignore their texts forever after. But that also feels gross, and what about when my kid begs to see their friend? Any advice?<\/p>\n

\u2014Struggling<\/p>\n

Dear Struggling,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry to hear all this. It\u2019s a rough situation all around. But if these folks are really your friends\u2014your chosen family, you call them\u2014I think the answer is to speak to them honestly about how you feel. Everything you\u2019ve said to me is worth airing to them. You can tell them you understand why they\u2019re leaving, but that you nevertheless feel let down by them, and explain the reasons why. Will they be defensive, even angry with you for \u201cmaking\u201d them feel bad about what they\u2019re doing? Probably. Will your friendships survive? Probably not (especially given that you say you don\u2019t really desire to continue your friendships with them). But as tough as these conversations will be, and as sad as the aftermath is likely to be, it\u2019s better than feeling gross. (Which I agree is what ghosting them would be.) And who knows? You might be able to work through all these tough feelings with some of these long-time friends if you\u2019re honest with them and they\u2019re able to hear where you\u2019re coming from without lashing out in return.<\/p>\n

As to the friendships between the children, I\u2019d do my best to encourage these friendships to continue if the children ask for that. The children are not to be held accountable for their parents\u2019 decisions. It would be a tightrope to walk for sure, but it\u2019s possible. I\u2019ve been there, so I know.<\/p>\n

If you focus on two additional priorities beyond your commitment to the school (which I absolutely understand)\u2014honesty, and the well-being of all the children involved\u2014you and your family should be able to weather this rough stretch.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband and I recently hosted an engagement party for one of his cousins, as we have a large house that\u2019s perfect for entertaining. His sister, \u201cNancy,\u201d however, brought her 2.5-year-old along without permission. She did not supervise him effectively, and he ended up breaking an expensive vase and getting cut (thankfully not seriously) in the process.<\/p>\n

When I asked her to reimburse us for the vase, she said we were lucky she isn\u2019t suing us over her son getting hurt! And when I said she knew our house wasn\u2019t childproofed and pointed out that she had brought her son over without giving us advance notice, she said she hadn\u2019t been able to give us a heads-up because her sitter had cancelled at the last minute \u2026 and besides, \u201cHe should have been safe in a houseful of adults.\u201d<\/p>\n

My husband says we should just forget about being paid for the vase. I think Nancy was 100 percent in the wrong here, and we shouldn\u2019t be out of the money because she brought her kid to an event that wasn\u2019t appropriate for a toddler. She should have skipped the party when her sitter cancelled! Do you think getting her to pay us back is worth my pursuing?<\/p>\n

\u2014Vase Vandalism<\/p>\n

Dear Vase,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sure, if you hope to blow up your relationship with your sister-in-law over it. And probably, as collateral damage, your relationship with her parents\u2014your mother- and father-in-law\u2014and your husband\u2019s relationship with his sister. Oh, and, as a result, do some damage to your relationship with your husband too. Have you been waiting for a good reason to go to battle with your husband\u2019s sister, by any chance?<\/p>\n

As I see it, the cost of insisting on being repaid for a vase broken by a toddler is much higher than the dollar amount you\u2019d see from Nancy. Granted, in your telling, she is being belligerent about this (but I\u2019m not sure many people would keep their cool in the moment if the immediate response by the host to the accidental breakage of a vase by a small child was, \u201cYou\u2019re paying for that!\u201d).<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Michelle Herman
\n My Teen Daughter Wrote a Romantasy Novel. I Read It\u2014And It Sends a Very Alarming Message.
\n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

If she were the one writing to me, I\u2019d tell her to just go ahead and pay you, if she can afford to\u2014that refusing to do so is only going to prolong this ugliness between you and might create a rift with her brother. (I would also tell her that she shouldn\u2019t expect that paying for the broken vase will make you like her any better or behave any more graciously in the future.)<\/p>\n

My question for you is: What\u2019s more important? Relationships, or being \u201cin the right\u201d? (I\u2019d ask her that, too, given the chance.)<\/p>\n

We Want to Hear Your Petty Work Drama!<\/p>\n

Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry?\u00a0Ask us your question here<\/a>!<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My wife and I have a 15-year-old daughter, \u201cSerena,\u201d who wants to start saving for a car and is looking for a job. My brother owns a small pet shop and said he would be willing to hire Serena for after-school shifts and weekends, depending on her schedule. Serena loves animals, and she would be working in a safe environment, so win-win, right? Wrong!<\/p>\n

When Serena told us what her uncle had proposed, and how much she would love to take him up on the offer, my wife was vehemently against it. When Serena asked why, her response was, \u201cBecause school is your job.\u201d<\/p>\n

Serena has always been a good student, and I think she will have no problem balancing her responsibilities. Plus, if it doesn\u2019t work out, my brother has made it clear she can always stop, no questions asked. I had after-school jobs when I was in high school, and they were a great way for me to earn some money and gain a bit of real-world experience. How can I get my wife to stop being so hard-headed here about something that nearly every teen does?<\/p>\n

\u2014Work War<\/p>\n

Dear Work,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Picture me heaving a big sigh here. When couples come at a subject from such wildly different (emotional) places\u2014stances that have been shaped, no doubt, by their own experience, families, and pasts\u2014and stake out adversarial positions, especially when it comes to how to raise their children, there is always war.<\/p>\n

Just the way you ask your question is \u2026 well, kind of mean. You want to know how to stop your wife from feeling the way she does and force her to see things your way\u2014the way, you argue, that most of the world sees them. This is not productive. Nor is it productive, or healthy, for you to frame this as your daughter and yourself on one team\u2014the good guys (along with your brother!)\u2014and your wife as on the other (bad) team.<\/p>\n

I have no objections to Serena taking the pet shop job, with the understanding that if her grades suffer, or anything else about it turns out not to be as rosy as she and you assume, she can quit without incurring her uncle\u2019s wrath. But I am not Serena\u2019s mother. I don\u2019t get a vote. And I have no insight into why her mother feels this way. Forgive me if I take a guess: She was expected to earn her own money at Serena\u2019s age, and she didn\u2019t feel supported by her own parents. Or maybe: She didn\u2019t do well in school\u2014or not as well as she feels she could have done\u2014and she wants to make sure nothing gets in the way of her daughter\u2019s continuing to do well \u2026 or perhaps even better than she has been up to now. Who knows? You surely don\u2019t, because you don\u2019t seem to have asked.<\/p>\n

Try having a real conversation with your wife\u2014not a debate. Be open to compromise. (Afterschool and weekends are a lot. When do you imagine your daughter will study and do homework? Or have time to simply be a child?)<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n
    \n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

    I Need to Have Constant Orgasms In Order to Function. There\u2019s a Solution\u2014My Husband Just Doesn\u2019t Like It.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n
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    Help! I Finally Got My Wife to Go to Therapy. But She\u2019s Refusing to Share Her Life-Ruining Problem.
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    Full disclosure: I always had a part-time job of some sort when I was in high school\u2014it was the only way for me to have spending money for non-essential things, and I liked the feeling of having a job. I liked the idea of self-sufficiency (not that I was, earning enough to buy those pink suede platforms shoes I wanted, or some dangly earrings, or a ticket to see The Dead\u2014but I felt like I was, which was what counted to me). I was a very bright kid who did just OK in school. When I had my own daughter many years later, I did not forbid her from getting a job, but I didn\u2019t encourage it either.<\/p>\n

    I felt, as your wife does, that school was her job. And she worked so much harder in school than I (or her father) ever had, participated in all the after-school activities that interested her, and then went off to one of the best colleges in the country\u2014with a substantial enough financial aid package to make that possible. What she wanted to major in was one of the subjects she\u2019d been able to focus extra time and energy on throughout high school. Would it have been worth it to exchange all that for the chance to earn some money (if she needed spending money, we gave it to her) and gain some \u201creal life experience\u201d a few years earlier than she did as she worked during college? Not to me, and not to her.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Michelle<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    I\u2019ve changed and my husband hasn\u2019t. We have two kids (11 and 7). Our 11-year-old has autism (think Young Sheldon) and caring for him takes a lot of time and energy, not to mention trying to balance love and attention for my 7-year-old. I don\u2019t mind at all, I LOVE being a mother, but my husband keeps accusing me of \u201cbeing done with him now that I had our children.\u201d I want to do family things, and he wants the carefree partying version of me before we had children.<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0Submit it here. Dear Care…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":770588,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[600,246,251,4757,159,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-770587","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-science","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-family","10":"tag-kids","11":"tag-parenting","12":"tag-science","13":"tag-united-states","14":"tag-unitedstates","15":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/116511195168244795","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/770587","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=770587"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/770587\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/770588"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=770587"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=770587"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=770587"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}