{"id":774472,"date":"2026-05-05T08:19:22","date_gmt":"2026-05-05T08:19:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/774472\/"},"modified":"2026-05-05T08:19:22","modified_gmt":"2026-05-05T08:19:22","slug":"asking-eric-sister-shared-hateful-beliefs-about-me-chicago-tribune","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/774472\/","title":{"rendered":"Asking Eric: Sister shared hateful beliefs about me \u2013 Chicago Tribune"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Eric:<\/strong> Three years ago, my older sister sent me a book that stated that gay people are satanic, Marxist pedophiles. I am gay and wrote her back asking if she believed this. She replied that she did. I was shocked and angry and stopped communicating with her.<\/p>\n

Her husband died eight months ago, and I received an effusive apology from her stating how sorry she was that she had hurt me. I responded that what was important to me was whether she still believed her earlier statements. She said she did not.<\/p>\n

So, I attended my brother-in-law\u2019s memorial held two months later. I was not invited to stay with her or at her nearby adult children\u2019s homes and only heard of an evening dinner event at the last minute after I had made plane reservations that conflicted with my attending.<\/p>\n

She recently asked me if she could stay with me during a plane lay-over in my city. I said yes. I really want to ask her how she got those ideas about me in the first place. Did reading one book prove more compelling than a lifetime of knowing me? And what made her change her mind?<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t help wondering if it was just a ruse to get me to attend the memorial. I think she wants to patch things up. But a serious line was crossed. She and I may be back on speaking terms, but our relationship will never be the same as it was. I\u2019m not sure what compels me to want to say these things to her and I\u2019m not sure it is the right thing to do. What do you think?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Brother in a Quandary<\/p>\n

Dear Brother:<\/strong> Whether she realized or intended it or not, when she sent you that book, she was starting a conversation and that conversation needs some resolution. This isn\u2019t about bringing up \u201cold drama;\u201d as you stated, there\u2019s still active questions about what she thinks of you that will impact how you engage with each other going forward.<\/p>\n

Prior to her visit, have a phone call with her. You can be completely upfront about the purpose of the call. \u201cI love you and I value the relationship we had. But the events of the last three years have left me confused and altered our relationship. I believe that we can build a relationship going forward, but that requires clarity. Are you willing and able to talk with me more about it now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Things have changed. That doesn\u2019t mean a future isn\u2019t possible. But this isn\u2019t something you have to simply sweep under the rug. You\u2019re trying to define healthy boundaries in this relationship and determine how and with whom you\u2019re safe.<\/p>\n

Dear Eric:<\/strong> My sister, who lives about 500 miles away from me, has asked me to apologize for something she perceives I should apologize for. I replied to her to please let me know what she wants me to apologize for and she pivoted, without answering, saying she would not let evil into her house but then continues to send references to a young man in her neighborhood that may have committed suicide or devastating weather that has destroyed houses near her. It seems she wants to set borders for what she wants to talk about. I feel like I\u2019m walking on eggshells. This is hurtful and bothers me a lot. Any suggestions?<\/p>\n

\u2013 Wanting to Know What the Apology is For<\/p>\n

Dear Wanting:<\/strong> If there is anyone closer to your sister \u2013 a friend or relative \u2013 who has a better relationship with her and can check in on her, in person or on the phone, please get in contact with them. Her comments read as strange to me, perhaps troubling. Because they don\u2019t quite make sense, they could suggest she\u2019s experiencing a mental health crisis. You can also find information and resources on the National Alliance on Mental Illness website (nami.org<\/a>).<\/p>\n

I want to underscore that it\u2019s inappropriate for me to guess at what could be happening here on a psychological level. It could be nothing. But the information you\u2019ve been given suggests that further investigation is needed. You won\u2019t be able to resolve what she believes is coming between the two of you until you find out what\u2019s behind her behavior. It\u2019s also important to make sure that she\u2019s safe and not a danger to herself and others. I don\u2019t want to alarm you. Simply put, asking more questions about what\u2019s going on in her life may get you further than trying to discern what she wants you to apologize for. Once you get clarity on the former, you\u2019ll be better equipped to have a conversation about the latter, if such a conversation is warranted. It may be that there\u2019s nothing to apologize for at all.<\/p>\n

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at\u00a0eric@askingeric.com<\/a>\u00a0or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on\u00a0Instagram<\/a>\u00a0and sign up for his weekly newsletter at\u00a0rericthomas.com<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

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