{"id":786860,"date":"2026-05-10T16:13:18","date_gmt":"2026-05-10T16:13:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/786860\/"},"modified":"2026-05-10T16:13:18","modified_gmt":"2026-05-10T16:13:18","slug":"parent-advice-my-mom-has-always-seemed-unenthused-about-my-twins-but-now-shes-been-making-uncomfortable-comments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/786860\/","title":{"rendered":"Parent advice: My mom has always seemed unenthused about my twins. But now she’s been making uncomfortable comments."},"content":{"rendered":"

Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0<\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband and I have 2-year-old twins, which was a surprise because no one in our families had multiples. We\u2019re so lucky that both of his parents are generous with babysitting time. They were a lifesaver for me, especially in the early newborn period after my husband had to go back to work. They did all the stuff I wished my parents would do: My mother-in-law would come over and help me take a bath while my father-in-law watched the kids, or he\u2019d do our laundry while she watched the kids. They\u2019d make our bed and set an alarm for me to nap while they watched the twins together, and they urged my husband and me to get out of the house and make time to be alone together, then helped facilitate it with child care.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re close with my husband\u2019s siblings and our son\u2019s cousins, and we trade off a lot, watching each other\u2019s kids and carpooling. We have our own friends, and my brother also helps if he\u2019s in town, but the in-laws are most of our village. I love our kids and my husband to pieces, and I suspect that having support is part of what makes that love feel easy even when life isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

My parents also live locally, but we\u2019re not close. When I told my mom I was pregnant, she didn\u2019t react. She came to my baby shower for exactly as long as was polite. She and my dad scheduled a vacation that meant they\u2019d be away on my due date, even though I\u2019d asked them to stay local. We visit them with the kids every few months, but my parents don\u2019t seem that into it. I\u2019ve asked them to babysit a few times, and they were always too busy, even when it was a medical emergency\u2014so I got the message and stopped asking.<\/p>\n

Now, every time my mom finds out that my mother-in-law watched the kids, she acts like she\u2019s been snubbed. Or I\u2019ll make small talk, mentioning that my husband took me to a concert for my birthday, and instead of saying, \u201cOh, how was it?\u201d or some other appropriate response, she\u2019ll immediately ask whether my mother-in-law watched the kids. I\u2019ll tell her I want to try the new gym in town, and she\u2019ll pivot to, \u201cAnd where will the kids be while you do that\u201d? She wedges it into every conversation, and I have no clue how to deal with this. If she doesn\u2019t want to watch kids, she doesn\u2019t need to! But this business of being irritated (or pretending she\u2019s irritated?) that their other grandma watches them has got to stop.<\/p>\n

\u2014I\u2019m Too Old for Mama Drama<\/p>\n

Dear Drama,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t tell you what\u2019s on your mother\u2019s mind\u2014whether she thinks she wants to watch your kids (or just thinks she should want to) but when faced with the reality of it, she balks \u2026 or she is fully aware that she has no interest in spending time alone with your children but is still jealous that their other grandparents do (or there\u2019s some other explanation for this odd behavior). But I can tell you that you need to be frank with her. You can try that frank approach for specific situations: \u201cYeah, my in-laws watched them when we went to the concert. We\u2019d like to go to a movie next Saturday night\u2014would you like to watch them then?\u201d and, \u201cWould you like to watch them while I try out that new gym?\u201d If she says she can\u2019t, she\u2019s busy, tell her what you\u2019ve just told me: \u201cMom, if you\u2019re too busy to help out with the kids, or you\u2019d just rather not, that\u2019s OK. But it\u2019s getting on my nerves that you seem so upset about my in-laws watching them for me! What gives?\u201d She may insist that she\u2019s not upset. She may go on the attack. Stay strong. At least you\u2019ve nudged this dynamic out into the open.<\/p>\n

And if you don\u2019t want to pretend you think there\u2019s a snowball\u2019s chance in hell that she\u2019ll say yes to sitting, then don\u2019t bother with the specificity. Tell her you want to talk about something that\u2019s been bothering you and go right to, \u201cIf you\u2019re too busy\u2026\u201d Either way, it\u2019s time to stop pussyfooting around. It\u2019s time for her to be honest with herself and with you.<\/p>\n

One more thing: Do not use this conversation as an excuse to bring up past grievances (\u201cYou took a vacation when the babies were due! How could you?!\u201d) or rehash your entire history with your parents\u2014unless, that is, you\u2019ve been yearning for a chance to unload all of that and you\u2019d find it cathartic (or even give you a chance to start over with your parents, if your mother doesn\u2019t react defensively). It would also be wise not to wax poetic to her about how wonderful your in-laws are, and how you\u2019d never be able to manage without them. This will only make matters worse between you. Your best option is to stick to the subject at hand. And who knows? You might find out what\u2019s going on with your mother. But even if you don\u2019t, the next time she sulks about how reliant you are on your husband\u2019s family, stop her: \u201cWe talked about this, Mom, remember? Let\u2019s not get into that again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My 7-year-old son, \u201cBrandon,\u201d and his 8-year-old cousin, \u201cCaleb,\u201d attend the same school. Brandon has a friend, \u201cIsaac,\u201d who has mild Down syndrome. Recently, Brandon asked me if he could \u201ccatch\u201d what Isaac has. I explained that Down syndrome is something a person is born with, and no one can catch it. When I asked him why he wanted to know, he said that Caleb had told him that if he stayed friends with Isaac, he would catch his condition and \u201cbe a R-word for life.\u201d<\/p>\n

I called my sister-in-law, \u201cOpal,\u201d and told her what her son had said to Brandon about Isaac. To my disgust, she thought it was the funniest thing ever! Opal has always been crass, but this is really egregious in my book. Brandon is turning 8 at the end of May, and I don\u2019t think Caleb deserves to attend his party after what he did. My husband thinks I\u2019m taking things too far and is warning me that excluding Caleb will \u201ccause a family war.\u201d Caleb made up a horrible lie about a child with a disability for the purpose of costing him a friend! Please tell me I\u2019m in the right here.<\/p>\n

\u2014Bad Behavior Equals Bad Consequences<\/p>\n

Dear Bad,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Disinviting (or even simply not including, if invitations haven\u2019t been issued yet) an 8-year-old from his cousin\u2019s birthday party as \u201cconsequences\u201d doesn\u2019t seem quite right to me\u2014unless Brandon asks you to. That is, unless Brandon doesn\u2019t like his cousin and doesn\u2019t want to be friends with him. I hate it when parents force their children to be friends with cousins they dislike. (I was, as a child, and over 60 years later, I am still a little bit mad about it, because my Uncle Davey\u2019s kids were awful.) But ignoring what happened in the interests of family peace is not the right thing to do either.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t know if Caleb was lying. Maybe he was just exhibiting his ignorance. Take the high road and assume the latter. (It is always best to take the high road.) If Opal has no interest in talking to her child about what he said to Brandon, I\u2019m afraid this is the rare case where you need to intercede and do it yourself, as much for Caleb\u2019s sake as anyone else\u2019s. Someone has to educate him, model sensitivity for him, and let him know that hate speech is unacceptable, and why, or he\u2019s going to grow up to be a mean, hateful person. (If Opal feels you\u2019ve stepped over the line, well, that\u2019s just too bad. If she\u2019s not going to properly parent her son when he\u2019s doing something harmful, he\u2019s lucky if anyone else is willing to.)<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Michelle Herman
\n My Kid\u2019s School Is Going Through a Financial Scandal. What Parents Have Chosen to Do About It Is Breaking My Heart.
\n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

By the way, I\u2019d have that conversation with Caleb when Brandon is present, assuming Brandon still wants to spend time outside of school with his cousin. Invite Caleb over to play one afternoon, then sit down with the two boys to talk. You might say, \u201cHey, Caleb, I heard about what you told Brandon about his friend with Down syndrome. I just want to make sure you know that Down syndrome is a genetic disorder, which means a person is born with it. It is not catching. And it\u2019s cruel and wrong to refer to someone with a disability as the R-word. Please don\u2019t do it again.\u201d That\u2019s all you have to say. And you will have made it clear to Brandon that you\u2019ve got his back as well as his friend\u2019s.<\/p>\n

We Want to Hear Your Petty Work Drama!<\/p>\n

Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry?\u00a0Ask us your question here<\/a>!<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I raised my kids not to use their phones at the dinner table. Pretty low bar, right? I think it really helped them succeed in the adult world; they learned to talk in a mixed group setting, and they listened to adult conversations. No escape into the \u2018gram allowed.<\/p>\n

Several of my friends do not have the same rule, which is fine \u2026 at their houses. But I hate going to any trouble for guests who are barely going to look up from their phones while at my table, eating the food I bought and prepared. I\u2019ve actually dropped a few families from the regular list of dinner invitations because their children are so obvious in their contempt for the company and the effort the host has put in. So, two things. First, a public service announcement to all the parents out there: Make your kids act nicely when eating at other people\u2019s houses. And also: Is there any way for me to enforce this at my own home without being a jerk?<\/p>\n

\u2014No Food for Robots<\/p>\n

Dear Food,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    My Mom Has Always Seemed Unenthused About My Twins. But Now She\u2019s Been Making Uncomfortable Comments.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n
    \n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

    I Want to Invite My In-laws to Our Kid\u2019s Birthday Party. But It Could Lead to a Very Ugly Scene.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    I think you can always enforce rules in your own home! Before everyone sits down to dinner, announce your policy: \u201cWe\u2019re a no-phones-at-the-table house.\u201d Have a place for everyone to set their phones down. (I had a dear friend who kept a basket for this purpose and made no exceptions.) If your guests hate this, so be it: Presumably, the next time they\u2019re invited, they\u2019ll decline the invitation. You never know, though. After the first few uncomfortable minutes, they may enjoy the temporary freedom from the tyranny of their phones.<\/p>\n

    You\u2019re not a jerk if you are clear to your guests about the rules of your house. You want people to take their shoes off at the door? Tell them\u2014don\u2019t just seethe when they don\u2019t. If you don\u2019t let people know what your expectations are, it isn\u2019t fair to get angry with them for not fulfilling them.<\/p>\n

    Nor is it fair\u2014or anyway reasonable\u2014to assume other people should raise their children the way you have yours. There are lots of ways to do a good job raising kids. And it\u2019s not bad for kids to learn that different households have different sets of expectations.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Michelle<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    My 5-year-old had a fairly smooth transition to kindergarten after only limited preschool experiences (a half-day, 3-day-a-week outdoor nature school) because of Covid. He seems to have friends, be well liked by his classmates, and is testing academically at about average or a little above. He is an extremely bright and precocious kid, with a big vocabulary and big opinions. He likes to be \u201cright\u201d and sometimes struggles with agreeing to disagree.<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0Submit it here. Dear Care…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":786861,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,246,210,251,4757,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-786860","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-family","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-kids","12":"tag-parenting","13":"tag-united-states","14":"tag-unitedstates","15":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/786860","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=786860"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/786860\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/786861"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=786860"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=786860"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=786860"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}