{"id":792052,"date":"2026-05-12T22:38:15","date_gmt":"2026-05-12T22:38:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/792052\/"},"modified":"2026-05-12T22:38:15","modified_gmt":"2026-05-12T22:38:15","slug":"jimmy-kimmels-best-jokes-at-the-abc-upfronts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/792052\/","title":{"rendered":"Jimmy Kimmel’s Best Jokes at the ABC Upfronts"},"content":{"rendered":"

\n\tJimmy Kimmel<\/a> took the stage at Disney<\/a>\u2018s upfront presentation for his annual roast of the TV industry, which was perhaps more anticipated than ever given all the turbulence in late night over the last year.<\/p>\n

\n\tThe Jimmy Kimmel Live! host let loose with his usual no holds barred jokes about broadcast and streaming \u2014 including his own ABC network bosses \u2014 just weeks after surviving yet another effort by President Trump to get his show canceled. <\/p>\n

\n\tHere are Kimmel\u2019s best jokes from his upfront monologue: <\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cI didn\u2019t think I\u2019d see you guys again either. Yeah, the bad boy of data and measurement solutions is back.\u201d <\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cI\u2019ve been through so much bullshit this year it actually made me appreciate this bullshit.\u201d <\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cYou know, usually in order for ABC to pull you off the air, you have to throw a chair at your Mormon boyfriend.\u201d <\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cYes, the President tried to get me canceled over the last six months. That\u2019s one way to look at it. Another way, is you could also say I\u2019ve \u2018generated unparalleled engagement across a variety of platforms.\u2019 Largely thanks to our partners in Washington, we are up 25 percent among viewers \u2026 it\u2019s a big deal to have your numbers go up nowadays. With that said, if Johnny Carson woke up one day with my ratings, he\u2019d have gone straight under the sink and chugged all the Drain-O.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cI cost our company a lot of money this year, billions. It is very possible that no employee in the history of any company has cost their employer more than hiring me 24 years ago. Just from a purely mathematical standpoint, it was the worst personnel decision that Disney Corporation has ever made. Not even the captain of the Exxon Valdez did more damage.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cI\u2019ve had four bosses [at ABC] \u2014 Bob, Bob, Bob and [current Disney CEO] Josh. Josh D\u2019Amaro. As in, all the shows you saw earlier will be canceled d\u2019amaro.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cThis will be the first Super Bowl on ABC in 20 years, and we are going to milk the bejesus out of it. We are going to spend the whole year promoting what\u2019s already the most popular thing on Earth. And as if the country isn\u2019t already divided enough, we put the game on Valentine\u2019s day just to be dicks. And let me tell you what the halftime show this year is going to be: The whitest shit you\u2019ve ever seen. Goodbye, Bad Bunny. Welcome back, O-Town.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cI was on The Late Show last night with Stephen Colbert. As you know, CBS is turning 11:35 p.m. into a least time slot least likely to offend the President with a rerun of [Byron Allen\u2019s] Comics Unleashed from 2007 featuring Paula Poundstone and Andy Dick. Poor Stephen. It\u2019s bad enough to lose your job. Imagine getting replaced by the owner of the Weather Channel.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cYou know, in the past, I\u2019ve come here to mock the other network shows. It was all very competitive, but now we\u2019re like a bunch of dirty, starving little chihuahuas under the table waiting for a chicken leg to drop. For the first time, I think ever, I am rooting for CBS. They\u2019ve got a lot of great returning shows, and they\u2019ve got some great new shows. NCIS: New York answers the question: What if LL Cool J partnered up with another white guy in a different city? \u2026They\u2019re also doing The Price Is Right at night now. On the nighttime version, instead of a flat screen TV, the winner gets a B.J. in the alley behind the studio.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cFor the first time in 18 years, CBS was not number one in total viewers. NBC is number one. Are they saying they\u2019re number one? Are you allowed to brag about being number one when you had the Olympics and the Super Bowl? Only if you have them again next year and you don\u2019t. NBC picked up Chicago Fire, Chicago PD and Chicago Med. Seriously, is someone at NBC fucking the mayor of Chicago?\u201d<\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cMeanwhile, poor Fox was in last place again, and their big plan to turn that around is a revival of Baywatch. This is a reboot for those who watched the first 11 seasons of a Baywatch and thought, \u2018But that can\u2019t be the whole story.’\u201d <\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cAs for us at ABC, except for all the domestic violence, we\u2019re doing really great. Dancing with the Stars is hotter than your grandma\u2019s underpants at a Michael Buble show. The Rookie was among the most streamed shows among viewers under 18. Young people love The Rookie, and do you know why? I\u2019m actually asking. Why does anyone know why this is happening?\u201d <\/p>\n

\n\t\u201cNow, for those of you who are fortunate enough to not know what that means, Agentic AI is a group of autonomous systems capable of planning, making decisions and executing multi step tasks to achieve specific goals with limited human supervision. And that is a fancy way of saying: You are all f\u2013ked. They\u2019re going to use llm\u2019s and API\u2019s to f-you up the ass.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Jimmy Kimmel took the stage at Disney\u2018s upfront presentation for his annual roast of the TV industry, which…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":792053,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"0"},"categories":[33],"tags":[185,7299,171,11171,67,132,101014,68],"class_list":["post-792052","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-celebrities","tag-celebrities","tag-disney","tag-entertainment","tag-jimmy-kimmel","tag-united-states","tag-unitedstates","tag-upfronts","tag-us"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/116564007787833133","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/792052","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=792052"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/792052\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/792053"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=792052"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=792052"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=792052"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}