{"id":797977,"date":"2026-05-15T10:37:15","date_gmt":"2026-05-15T10:37:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/797977\/"},"modified":"2026-05-15T10:37:15","modified_gmt":"2026-05-15T10:37:15","slug":"contributor-consider-reconnecting-in-the-season-of-mothers-day-and-fathers-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/797977\/","title":{"rendered":"Contributor: Consider reconnecting in the season of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Americans were forecast to spend a record $38 billion<\/a> on Mother\u2019s Day and $24 billion on Father\u2019s Day<\/a> gifts this year, but they can be difficult holidays for adult children given the estrangement epidemic. Just ask Britney Spears, Prince Harry, Shiloh Jolie or any number of average folks: A<\/a> YouGov poll<\/a> showed 38% of U.S. adults refused contact with a family member. Sometimes it\u2019s protective, prompted by violence or abuse. Other rifts might be mendable.<\/p>\n

Many offspring assume resuming contact with a parent means they\u2019d have to return to the previous hurtful relationships. But that\u2019s not the case. I heard repeatedly when interviewing experts<\/a> that cutting off parents can lead to loneliness, isolation, depression and inherited trauma, causing damaging repercussions that could result in a younger generation who never get to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.<\/p>\n

When appropriate and safe, there are some strategies to reduce extreme severance and hostility toward your kin.<\/p>\n

Make a private decision:<\/b> \u201cYou can forgive someone but never speak to the person again if that\u2019s healthier for you,\u201d said L.A. psychologist Ramani Durvasula, author of \u201cIt\u2019s Not You.\u201d<\/a> You can also just pray for your relative, silently wish them well or write letters you do or don\u2019t mail. You don\u2019t have to see them or resume any direct contact.<\/p>\n

Ask for the apology you need: <\/b>Sometimes loved ones don\u2019t understand what they did to cause you harm. \u201cIn a letter, email or text you can explain in a calm way why you\u2019re upset and ask someone to apologize,\u201d suggested the Rev. Elizabeth Maxwell of Manhattan. \u201cOf course, they could refuse. Or say \u2018Oh, I\u2019m so sorry I had no idea.\u2019 Or they might disagree and want you to hear their side of the story. You have to be clear on whether you\u2019re willing to open lines of communication to see if reconciliation is possible.\u201d<\/p>\n

Gather more intel on your own: <\/b>Discussing your issues with a mentor, grandparent, sibling or family friend you trust might offer illumination. \u201cSomething you don\u2019t know might shed light on what happened,\u201d said Connecticut psychiatrist Vatsal Thakkar. He shared a metaphor: \u201cA commuter was enraged when a woman in an SUV stopped abruptly to get something in her back seat, almost causing an accident. He didn\u2019t know the driver\u2019s infant was choking.\u201d<\/p>\n

Communicate through an intermediary: <\/b>Is there someone with insight into the problems you\u2019re facing? San Francisco psychologist Joshua Coleman, author of \u201cThe Rules of Estrangement<\/a>\u201d \u2014 who reconciled with his own daughter \u2014 has written letters to relatives of patients to break the ice. <\/p>\n

Revise the relationship on your terms: <\/b>You don\u2019t have to share your location, but consider a video chat. \u201cIf your separation wasn\u2019t caused by unlawful or egregious behavior, reaching out may be beneficial,\u201d Thakkar said. It might be a leap to spend a holiday together, but you could comment on a parent\u2019s social media post or text \u201cHappy Father\u2019s Day.\u201d <\/p>\n

Find neutral ground: <\/b>\u201cIf your relative has expressed interest in reconnecting, you\u2019re allowed to pick a new place and say: \u2018I can meet you for lunch Tuesday at this restaurant,\u2019\u201d said Michigan psychotherapist Judith Burdick, creator of the documentary \u201cTransforming Loss<\/a>.\u201d \u201cYou can also suggest doing a therapy session together, whether it\u2019s in person or over teletherapy. It could help, or it could reopen a wound, but then at least you\u2019d have a witness and advocate there.\u201d<\/p>\n

Examine your behavior: <\/b>\u201cYou may have been horribly wronged. Yet in some situations, it can also be powerful and brave to admit to making your own mistakes,\u201d said Florida psychologist Diana Kirschner, author of \u201cLove in 90 Days.\u201d<\/a> \u201cIt might release you from feeling like a victim and eliminate the powerlessness that brings.\u201d<\/p>\n

Try to have an open heart: <\/b>Although you may currently benefit from a separation, you can change your mind in the future based on new facts or feelings. Rabbi Joseph Krakoff of Detroit asks families to recite this prayer at a loved one\u2019s deathbed, like the Hawaiian ritual of Ho\u02bboponopono<\/a> : \u201cYou are forgiven. I forgive you. Please forgive me. I love you.\u201d This, he tells reluctant clients, \u201cis a better way to leave the world.\u201d You can even feel relief from forgiving a parent posthumously, though hopefully you won\u2019t wait that long.<\/p>\n

Susan Shapiro is the author of \u201cFive Men Who Broke My Heart<\/a>\u201d and, most recently, \u201cThe Forgiveness Tour.\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n

Insights <\/p>\n

L.A. Times Insights<\/a> delivers AI-generated analysis on Voices content to offer all points of view. Insights does not appear on any news articles. <\/p>\n

Perspectives <\/p>\n

The following AI-generated content is powered by Perplexity. The Los Angeles Times editorial staff does not create or edit the content.<\/p>\n

Ideas expressed in the piece<\/p>\n