{"id":810,"date":"2025-06-21T00:38:21","date_gmt":"2025-06-21T00:38:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/810\/"},"modified":"2025-06-21T00:38:21","modified_gmt":"2025-06-21T00:38:21","slug":"richard-kind-answers-the-maria-bamford-questionnaire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/810\/","title":{"rendered":"Richard Kind Answers the Maria Bamford Questionnaire"},"content":{"rendered":"

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\n \u201cI have legions of friends who I can return to and can count on for as long as I need, and that is why I\u2019m the luckiest man in the world.\u201d
\n Photo-Illustration: Joe McKendry; Photo: Savion Washington\/FilmMagic\n <\/p>\n

The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions designed by the\u00a0beloved and openhearted comedian<\/a>\u00a0to unearth surprising truths about its respondents. In this edition, you\u2019ll learn about the inimitable\u00a0Richard Kind<\/a>, who you have likely enjoyed in at least one episode of\u00a0Only Murders in the Building<\/a>,\u00a0Poker Face<\/a>, Mid-Century Modern, and\u00a0Everybody\u2019s Live With John Mulaney<\/a>\u00a0over the past eights months alone.<\/p>\n

A spoonful of peanut butter \u2026 [pauses] \u2026 or a handful of cereal.<\/p>\n

I have made up my own. It is a belief in a higher power that truly says \u201cTreat thy neighbor as thyself, and all decisions will come from that.\u201d There is a God, but he has no history. He just exists.<\/p>\n

Merrell shoes. Merrells are the best shoes ever. I\u2019ve wanted to tell them an ad slogan that said, \u201cI sleep with my Merrells on, because it\u2019s more comfortable than sleeping barefoot.\u201d They\u2019re the best shoes in the world.<\/p>\n

Heights. I get scared of heights. Even a stepladder will make me scared. Ladders. Going out onto a balcony, just the backs of my thighs begin to tingle. But I am absolutely secure when I\u2019m in an airplane.<\/p>\n

I had breakfast with a very, very dear friend\u2019s daughter and her new husband. My dear friend passed away of a brain tumor about two or three years ago, but his daughter I love very much. She\u2019s a very admirable woman. She works for human rights. She works for immigration law. She lives in Washington, D.C., and her husband, whom I just met for the first time, is a spectacular young man. That\u2019s why I\u2019m late for this.<\/p>\n

I read the menu from the restaurant that I was at that was called the Granola Bar on 87th and Amsterdam. The menu is fantastic for breakfast, but I\u2019ve never been there for lunch or dinner.<\/p>\n

Give me a second, because I only buy used stuff. [Pauses] An expensive couch that I got was so inexpensive. It\u2019s like a $16,000 couch. It\u2019s magnificent, but I got that and another piece of furniture for $1,000. I\u2019m going to get you the type of couch it is. [Pauses to look through his phone.] I can\u2019t remember, but it\u2019s a great couch;\u00a0I just don\u2019t want it. I want to get a sectional that\u2019s L-shaped. So if anybody would like to buy it \u2026<\/p>\n

This is the honest to God\u2019s truth, and it sounds like a clich\u00e9: I cannot listen to Donald Trump talk. But this comes with an explanation. It\u2019s gotten worse and worse and worse, the way that he talks over the years. In doing some diligence for the John Mulaney show, I found out what Gene Simmons<\/a> talks like, and I went to The Apprentice to watch Gene Simmons on it. I never watched The Apprentice when it was on. I saw Donald Trump on that show, and I thought he was fantastic. He had energy, he thought fast, he had a command of the language. I thought he was very entertaining. And what he has morphed into now is a slow, unmelodic drawl that is so lazy in his choice of words, and the way that he talks has gotten so disgraceful. It is on the back of his heels, whereas on The Apprentice, he was on the balls of his toes, and he was actually very exciting. I had never seen that before, and right now, I cannot listen to him.<\/p>\n

New paragraph.<\/p>\n

What he talks about is as disgraceful and uneducated and uninspiring. I\u2019m not just talking about his politics. That he stands for what he does and calls himself a president is disgraceful. And everything that I just said has nothing to do with his politics. And his politics I am horrified by.<\/p>\n

My mother\u2019s uterus. Only because she\u2019s dead.<\/p>\n

I have legions of friends who I can return to and can count on for as long as I need, and that is why I\u2019m the luckiest man in the world.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not a TV show or a movie. It\u2019s a play called Angels in America, and it is my dream to play Roy Cohn in Angels in America. And Tony Kushner, the author, is well aware of my desire.<\/p>\n

I would like to quit my need to just eat whatever\u2019s in front of me and to say, \u201cI\u2019m full. I\u2019ve had enough. I don\u2019t need to eat anymore.\u201d Whether out of anxiety or ADD, I have to pick at food, and hunger has nothing to do with it. When I am finished, I continue eating. It\u2019s a bad thing. I\u2019d teach myself that self-control is important, that you are better than this, and to always think, Do you really want it?<\/p>\n

I really would love to know Andy Kaufman.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not going to be specific about it, but overbooking my time to meet people for coffee or a meal when I have too much going on. New sentence: But I\u2019m too good\/guilty about turning them down. I just make too many appointments and lay myself out too thin, and I don\u2019t have the capacity to turn them down.<\/p>\n

The youth of my children. However, this is what I say: \u201cI\u2019d like to be young again, but not today.\u201d I\u2019d love to be 27 again. Maybe 32.<\/p>\n

One. Well, no \u2014 I dye my sideburns, but my hair has always been this color. But I do dye my sideburns because they come in gray-gray-gray, and when I dye them, it looks better, and I think I look younger. But I do it because it\u2019s so freaky that it\u2019s so gray. But all my hair is still black.<\/p>\n

Italy. Florence.<\/p>\n

Wow. Well, it\u2019s tough, because I pretty much like everybody. [Pauses] I learned from one person how to say no, but I didn\u2019t digest that lesson. I learned how to do it, but I don\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n

I went to this restaurant with these friends and my son. I know I\u2019m having lunch in a little bit, so I did not have breakfast. If I had breakfast, what I would have wanted from it \u2014\u00a0and two of them had it \u2014\u00a0is avocado toast. I love avocado toast. It\u2019s an outrage that it\u2019s as expensive as it is, but it sure is good.<\/p>\n

Anytime anybody falls \u00e0 la America\u2019s Funniest Home Videos makes me laugh.<\/p>\n

Somebody texting while driving or driving drunk, and not just ruining their lives, but the lives of the people they hit or impact is so not funny to me that it sends shivers up my spine.<\/p>\n

A lot of happy people in a group.<\/p>\n

A group of people having diarrhea and they can\u2019t go to the bathroom.<\/p>\n

Seven million dollars and a nice house \u2014\u00a0because I have children, so I\u2019m not just taking care of myself; I have to take care of my children.<\/p>\n

Being very, very old and having my body fail.<\/p>\n

Related<\/p>\n