{"id":855002,"date":"2026-06-09T12:01:15","date_gmt":"2026-06-09T12:01:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/855002\/"},"modified":"2026-06-09T12:01:15","modified_gmt":"2026-06-09T12:01:15","slug":"my-dad-spanked-my-kid-my-husbands-reaction-has-torn-my-family-apart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/855002\/","title":{"rendered":"My Dad Spanked My Kid. My Husband\u2019s Reaction Has Torn My Family Apart."},"content":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so today we\u2019re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? <\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have two sons, 3 and 5 years old. My parents watch them one or two days a week while my husband and I work. Recently, my 5-year old told us something that happened at his grandparents\u2019 house.<\/p>\n

He said grandpa hit him on the bottom. My son can be difficult: He does not like rules, hates to be told no, and can terrorize his brother. He is also prone to hitting us (parents and grandparents) when he doesn\u2019t get his way.<\/p>\n

We are against hitting our children, but I was spanked as a child and do not feel like I was abused. I confronted my dad, and he said that he did give our son a little spank\u2014he feels horrible about it and said it will never happen again. I am OK with this: I know my son can be difficult to control, and I\u2019ve been tempted to spank him myself.<\/p>\n

My husband, on the other hand, has flown off the handle. He says my parents should be happy he didn\u2019t call the police and refuses to let them watch the kids. This has torn my family apart. My parents are upset and miss my kids, the kids miss their grandparents, and we have to pay for extra day care and are struggling to find after-school care.<\/p>\n

I feel this is an overreaction, but my husband says that I\u2019m not trying to protect our kids and I\u2019m not supporting him. I have suggested that we seek help in dealing with our son\u2019s behavior, but my husband is against it\u2014he thinks this will cause our son to feel there is something wrong with him. He says that everyone he\u2019s spoken to would do the same thing. I love my parents and appreciate everything that they have done for us in the past. Is my husband justified in this or is this an overreaction?<\/p>\n

\u2014Can\u2019t We All Just Get Along?<\/p>\n

Dear Can\u2019t<\/strong>,<\/p>\n

I can understand why your husband is upset. You both, as parents, have agreed on no spanking as a policy. What your father did isn\u2019t like breaking the no-sugar rule with a lollipop, the sort of indulgence you\u2019d expect from a grandparent. It\u2019s a violation.<\/p>\n

You agree with your husband that your father was in the wrong. The challenge is how to move beyond this. Your father\u2019s contrition (I\u2019m assuming he actually apologized to your husband, as well as you\u2014if not, he should do so pronto) satisfies you. Have you asked your husband whether breaking off relations with your family is the only way he can imagine this being satisfactorily resolved?<\/p>\n

If that\u2019s how he feels, then all the mitigating factors\u2014your kid can try even your patience; your father has promised this will never happen again\u2014don\u2019t matter. You may think he\u2019s overreacting (I do, too), but they\u2019re his children.<\/p>\n

I hope at least that you can all spend time together; perhaps your husband will be reminded that he can, indeed, trust his in-laws with your children. Because the key, I think, is to focus not on what this break with the family is costing you (extra child care) but what it\u2019s costing your kids.
They miss their grandparents, and their grandparents miss them. Your father inflicted one kind of pain on your son; your husband\u2019s response to that is inflicting another kind. Maybe if your husband heard it framed thus, he\u2019d be willing to work toward restoring peace in the family. Good luck.<\/p>\n

\u2014Rumaan Alam<\/p>\n

From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Father Spanked My Son. Can I Still Let Him Babysit?<\/a> (October 1st, 2019).<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have two very young children with severe developmental disabilities (physical and cognitive) who will need lifelong care. They are sweet, lovely, funny small people, and everyone in our extended family has rallied around us and visits often to support us in looking after them. Everyone, that is, except my brother, who has seen them twice for a few hours each time and never calls or emails. When my daughter was hospitalized for epilepsy, he called my mother to ream her out for not telling him how serious their genetic condition was, as it affected\u00a0his\u00a0plans to have children with his wife one day. He did not contact me to see if she was OK.<\/p>\n

Recently we redid our wills and had to decide who we wished to be guardians of our kids if something were to happen to both my husband and me. Because of the physical strength needed to care for the kids, we decided it wouldn\u2019t be right to ask the grandparents to take that on when my husband and I each have a brother. My brother-in-law is a great guy and agreed to be first in line, but our attorney suggested we name a second guardian just in case.<\/p>\n

I thought that since my brother and his wife are financially well-off, plan to have kids, and are at heart the sort of people you\u2019d expect to rise to the occasion in such a dreadful scenario, he would say yes. He said no, and gave no reason other than \u201cwe\u2019re not comfortable with it.\u201d At this point, I really want nothing further to do with him. Taking care of my children and giving them a good life has become such a big part of who I am now that I don\u2019t feel I can have a relationship with someone who doesn\u2019t want to be around them. He texted me to wish me happy birthday, and I just deleted it. Is it worth keeping up the appearance of a relationship? Or is it OK to simply ghost him until he apologizes for his coldhearted behavior?<\/p>\n

\u2014Callous Brother<\/p>\n

Dear CB,<\/strong><\/p>\n

There are two separate issues here, I think. One is that your brother is extremely selfish and completely uninterested in your children and apparently you, and that\u2019s extremely frustrating and unfortunate. You may or may not care enough about him at this point to try to get an apology or even seek to attain civility at family events. You are the only person who can answer that, but you are under no obligation to interact with him in any way.<\/p>\n

The other is that when asking people to be possible guardians for our children (even second-tier just-in-case guardians),\u00a0especially\u00a0our children who will need a high level of support as adults and for the rest of their lives, the thing we need more than anything else is \u2026 complete honesty.
He certainly gave you that. He doesn\u2019t want to do it. He told you so. He doesn\u2019t feel about them the way you do. He\u00a0would\u00a0be a bad guardian. And it\u2019s good that he told you so, no matter how much it hurts.<\/p>\n

Find a secondary guardian who will agree fully and also, please, make sure these conversations include some very serious estate planning to do the best you can to make financial provision for their care. You have a lawyer walking you through this, so I highly doubt this has not occurred to you.<\/p>\n

I wish you the very best of luck.<\/p>\n

\u2014Nicole Cliffe<\/p>\n

From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Brother Wants Nothing to Do With My Disabled Children. <\/a>(December 6th, 2019).<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My 11-year-old daughter wants to do the Master Cleanse with her friends. You know, the lemon juice\/cayenne pepper\/maple syrup thing that Beyonc\u00e9 did that one time. We\u2019ve always been big about bodily autonomy, but somehow I did not envision this being the first time we would butt heads over it. Is this a \u201charmless experiment\u201d I should tolerate for 48 hours or a \u201cno\u201d?<\/p>\n

\u2014Is This Real Life?<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jamilah Lemieux
\n My Husband Doesn\u2019t Want Our 5-Year-Old to Attend My Brother\u2019s Wedding. His Reason Has Me Questioning Everything.
\n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear ITRL,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh, my sainted aunt.\u00a0No. Absolutely not. If she were 15, it might be a good \u201cknock yourself out, kiddo, you\u2019re going to feel like trash\u201d lesson, but there\u2019s no earth on which an 11-year-old should be subsisting on that nonsense for 48 hours. It\u2019s a no from me. I would also 100 percent narc this plan out to her friends\u2019 parents because prepubescent children should not be messing with their bodies like this. Go ahead, be\u00a0that\u00a0mom. Are these new friends? How well do you know them?<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    I Invited My Broke Friends to Come Live on My Farm Under One Condition. They\u2019ve Already Broken It.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n <\/p>\n

    My Mom Friend Told a Big Lie About Her Kid\u2019s Birthday Party. I Didn\u2019t Expect Her to React This Way When She Got Caught.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Present her with the reams of medical literature that explain, increasingly impatiently, that your liver is the ultimate Master Cleanse and that all you are doing is peeing out water your body would really prefer to hang on to.<\/p>\n

    Please keep a very close eye on her, as well as her friend group, and make sure she\u2019s eating adequately and her weight remains stable. It may be helpful to have her pediatrician talk to her about how much her body needs those \u201cpuppy fat\u201d reserves to fuel the unbelievable physical work of puberty she\u2019s unconsciously gearing up for. I would also suggest to her teacher that it might be wise to have a registered dietitian visit their class (if they are school friends) and talk about the importance of food and exercise and balance.<\/p>\n

    No Master Cleanse. Not happening. You cannot force an 11-year-old to eat, but this is a time to hike up your pants and talk her down with parental authority. Please keep me posted.<\/p>\n

    \u2014N.C.<\/p>\n

    From: Dear Care and Feeding: My 11-Year-Old Daughter Wants to Do a Master Cleanse Diet.<\/a> (August 9th, 2019).<\/p>\n

    More Parenting Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    My partner and I are having a sudden wedding. There\u2019s no pregnancy or otherwise forced factor in this\u2014it\u2019s a choice we\u2019re making for each other, and we\u2019re very pleased with it. The problem is my in-laws. My parents and I developed strong boundaries as I transitioned to adulthood, but my partner and her parents did not, and they are taking our decision to marry in this way as a personal affront. <\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so today we\u2019re diving into the archives of Care…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":855003,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"0"},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,246,210,251,4757,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":["post-855002","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-health","tag-advice","tag-family","tag-health","tag-kids","tag-parenting","tag-slate-plus","tag-united-states","tag-unitedstates","tag-us"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/116720048852924915","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/855002","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=855002"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/855002\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/855003"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=855002"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=855002"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=855002"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}