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The Valley<\/a><\/p>\n Schwatzapalooza<\/p>\n \n Season 3<\/p>\n Episode 12\n <\/p>\n \n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n 2 stars<\/p>\n **\n <\/p>\n \n Kristen has exited her party era \u2014 or at least she has for Tom\u2019s Schwartzapalooza party, because, well, it is terrible. A wise man once told me that the only thing worse than no party is a bad party, and I have never seen the adage play out as it does in this episode. The whole crew, minus Jason, who can\u2019t bend his knee, and Lacy, who needs a whole day to get to an airport owned by John Wayne, goes to Punta Mita, Mexico, to celebrate the birthdays of Schwartz, Zack, and Danny. I have never wanted to skip a trip so badly. Seriously, none of these people are equipped to be traveling at this particular moment. Brittany is literally still in a diaper and just days away from having plastic sacs filled with her only bodily fluids removed from her body. She needs a wheelchair at the airport, which, sure, but for an elective surgery? Danny and Nia are traveling with their baby and a nanny, and Kristen and Luke, a Lincoln Logs set that can only make a shooting range, are also traveling with an infant, her sister, and brother-in-law, and so much emotional baggage that Jet Blue charged them $35 million in luggage fees. (That $ is for Mexican pesos, not dollars, but it\u2019s the same symbol. The things Gemini AI teaches me every day. This recap was brought to you by Gemini AI, the best way to suck all of the water out of the Earth\u2019s crust.)<\/p>\n I\u2019m sorry, but this trip does not look fun at all. When everyone arrives, Zack, Benji, Schwartz, Danny, and Luke are all at the swim-up bar as the storm clouds roll into the resort. They\u2019re still there under a thatched roof, trying to drink spicy margs as the rain comes down and ruins Zack\u2019s hair. This makes it even worse. They don\u2019t want to be there, I don\u2019t want to be there, and even the sun doesn\u2019t want to be there. Does every season need a trip? With everyone sidelined due to either infants or medical impairment, couldn\u2019t they have just gone to the Chuck E Cheese in the Valley, where they took Erika Jayne for her pizza party on <\/a>The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills<\/a>?<\/p>\n The drama starts before everyone even gets on the plane. Kristen goes by Brittany\u2019s house, and they get into a fight about how loyal either of them should be to Nia and Danny. Brittany insists that she loves Nia and (mostly) Danny, but she thinks that Nia is sometimes performing being nice for the camera. Kristen says she doesn\u2019t understand why people insist that there is something darker lurking under the surface with the pair. We peer under the hood a little bit when Jasmine and Zack talk about Danny, once again, sneaking drinking at Zack\u2019s housewarming party and Monster energy drink fridge memorial<\/a>. I get why Danny is not telling people he\u2019s drinking because he doesn\u2019t want the group to freak out, but Zack makes a great point: If everyone knew he was drinking and saw that he wasn\u2019t grabbing asses and shouting at his wife, maybe they would shut up about how even a drop of alcohol turns him into a caricature of a frat boy. The problem is that he\u2019s hiding it, which, hello, makes it look like he has something to hide. It\u2019s kind of like plastic surgery, either do it or don\u2019t do it, I don\u2019t care, but don\u2019t lie to me when I notice that something is totally different about you.<\/p>\n Zack and Jasmine have this chat while they are both getting butt facials, which are facials for your butt. But is it a facial if it happens on your butt and not your face? This is a question for the PornHub community, me thinks. After dissecting Danny with their cheeks in the air, the convo turns to how Zack isn\u2019t sure if he wants kids, but he knows Benji does, and is unsure if he can commit to him because of this. Then he starts crying, and Starla, the technician, tells him that he isn\u2019t the first person to cry while getting the procedure. Really? Are we sure? There is no crying in baseball<\/a> or butt facials, and I believe that Zack has probably broken both of these rules during his lifetime. I\u2019m not going to lie, despite the crying, it did make me want to get a facial, but on my butt.<\/p>\n There is plenty of crying on the trip, which happens as soon as everyone lands and Kristen has her first freakout. She has historically been a very anxious traveler (possibly the only trait that Kristen and I share), and when she is changing the baby\u2019s diaper in the ladies\u2019 room, some fans of the show try to take her picture. Okay, everyone, this one is on us. I know how exciting it is to spot a Bravoleb in the wild, and they feel like they\u2019re our friends, so we treat them differently than we might other stars. Sorry, but that is not the case. Let this woman change her baby\u2019s diaper in peace! A public bathroom is no place to take sneaky photos. Do Kristen a solid and wait outside the ladies\u2019 room and approach her like an actual human. I bet she\u2019d pose for the picture with you; she might even introduce you to the rest of the cast, and you could get as many pictures as you\u2019d like. Heck, Janet would probably insist on photos. I think approaching the Bravolebs sweetly and kindly will get you what you want. Unless it is Ramona Singer. In that case, keep at least 30 feet away, or you might lose a limb.<\/p>\n Luke and Kristen squabble for the entirety of the trip, which only adds to its miserableness. I do believe that they\u2019re both kind of wrong and that meeting somewhere in the middle is the only solution. Kristen is freaking out because she\u2019s traveling, she\u2019s still postpartum, and she just wants to spend her time with her daughter. I get it, and if I were in charge of this show rather than just one skanky corner of the Bravo internet, they wouldn\u2019t have even gone on this trip. But she\u2019s there and has extra help; she should try to enjoy it at least a little bit. She says that Kaia will only be this age for one second, but that will be true for the rest of her life. There will always be milestones, there will always be little things to miss, but she has to accept that. The alternative is that she smothers her, never leaves her side, and has to be thrown out of Kaia\u2019s university for insisting on attending classes with her<\/a>. Being with her every second is unsustainable.<\/p>\n However, Luke is crazy to push her while it\u2019s just four months in. He\u2019s right, he has no idea what she\u2019s going through mentally or physically, and he needs to give her at least nine to 12 months to settle into her new role as a parent. Brittany is right, he needs to give her more grace, agree to take a back seat, and take more of what Kristen says on the chin. As Brittany says, it\u2019s temporary. It may be tough, but it will end soon enough. Maybe if he let up on her and had some more understanding, then she wouldn\u2019t be so mean. When Luke says he\u2019s going ot the pool and she passive-aggressively says she\u2019s going to care for her daughter, I wanted to slap both of them with a deflated water wing.<\/p>\n That said, Kristen (as she is wont to do) is making these edicts about him and her life, which may or may not be true. She says that now that she\u2019s a mother, she doesn\u2019t want to go out and party anymore. Okay, that\u2019s true now, but is it true forever? She doesn\u2019t know that in three years she\u2019s going to be like, \u201cDear Catholic Jesus, please get me a babysitter so that I can go out and get drunk wth Scheana Shay.\u201d She also says that Luke wants to hang out with his friends and party, which she doesn\u2019t. Okay, then she can let him do it without guilting him. Again, it\u2019s about compromise. She doesn\u2019t want to go out to brunch at Tom Tom on Sunday, but why not take Luke? Why not surprise him once a quarter with a boozy brunch for the two of them to focus on each other? He\u2019ll be so happy that she\u2019s doing something he knows she doesn\u2019t love for his benefit that it will only bring them closer. They\u2019re letting these issues divide them by taking opposite stances, but they need to take the same stance, which is helping each other, being there for each other, raising a child not alone but with each other.<\/p>\n If I were Kristen, I would not have felt bad skipping Tom\u2019s Schwartzapolooza party because, well, it is terrible. It is supposed to be a great beach party with a bonfire, but it gets rained out, and they are all huddled under an awning wearing too much body glitter and eating from a greige buffet. They put glow sticks on the tables, they give Schwartz a Pride sash that says, \u201cIt\u2019s my birthday, bitch,\u201d but there is no livening up this party, no matter how many times Danny shouts, \u201cLet\u2019s gooooooooooo,\u201d to everyone\u2019s annoyance.<\/p>\n At some point, they just had to call it. The whole crew was injured, fighting, or not in the mood. Finally, Tom retired to the suite that he\u2019s sharing with Zack and Benji. He pulled off the flower crown that he also wore at Rachella<\/a>, and lifted his white lace shirt over his head. He looked down at the rainbow sash on his bedspread and remembered something, something from his past, someone he loved long ago. He walked across the sitting area between the bedrooms and lightly rapped on Zack and Benji\u2019s door and opened it before hearing a reply. \u201cGuys\u2026\u201d he said softly as he looked in the bed and saw Zack and Benji making out in the gloom.<\/p>\n \u201cTom!\u201d Zack shouted, a little upset and confused.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry, but I\u2026 I\u2026 I really miss Tom,\u201d Schwartz said. Benji separated from Zack, patted the spot on the bed between them, and then opened up his arm as an invitation. Schwartz slid between the two of them, kissed Benji first and then Zack, Zack and then Benji, back and forth as lips found lips, hands found flesh, underwear found the floor. They rolled around in a delicious tumble when Schwartz finally ran his hand over Zack\u2019s ass. \u201cDamn. How did that get so smooth?\u201d he asks before he dove right back into the buffet.<\/p>\n Sign up for the Housewives Institute Bulletin<\/p>\n Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.<\/p>\n Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice<\/p>\n
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