I was consistently suicidal for most of my life, but I turned that around a few years ago. This chart shows my approximate, self-assessed mood data on a scale of 1 (Very Upset) to 5 (Very Calm). I defined these values in the Journey.cloud mobile app from May 2018, when I started recording the data, to August 2026. I assembled the chart in Excel and Photopea.com.

The trendline shows the annual average. I also preferred to show the noise because I found the variability interesting. Further, I chose calmness over happiness as the positive emotion, as I've learned being calm is more sustainable than trying to be happy all the time.

Below is more about what it took for me to change.

—

I'm proud to share that, after many years of self-loathing and self-hatred, I finally learned to love myself.

What does that mean, "love myself"? First, I don't hate myself! I appreciate what I do well instead of saying "Yeah, but…" to any self-affirmation. Second, I have self-confidence. I trust my capacity to create change or to accept what I can't. Third, I hold space for second-tries. This enables me to take initiative and express ideas with far less anxiety. Fourth, I feel more in control of my personality, my emotions, and my story.

I can now pursue what I value because of who I am, not in spite of it.

What helped me? I narrowed my list down to five major factors. (Disclaimer: What worked for me may not work for everyone.)

  1. Positive reasons to live (i.e., something to hope for)
  2. People who cared for me when I couldn't care for myself, e.g., my wife and many therapists
  3. Mindfulness, Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
  4. Finding the right medications for me—and sticking with them
  5. Most importantly, I had to commit to take care of myself. Sliding a noose around my neck in 2019 was the moment of clarity I needed to change.

I’ve been doing relatively well despite life’s ups and downs. That’s because I now have the coping skills to treat myself humanely. To be clear: what I went through can happen again. I’m not invulnerable to suicidal thinking, and I never will be. My only solution is to stay alert and meet it when it comes.

I could go on, but I'm in such a better place now. Putting this chart together helped me visualize that. All of my hard work to heal myself has been worth it. It can be for you, too.

—
mancub

15 comments

  1. Damn pal, you’ve been thru some stuff, wish you the best.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. Really glad to hear how you’ve turned it around. There is nothing like loving yourself!

  3. Nice work! Self love was the major missing piece for me. I also love ACT.

  4. Glad you’re with us to share this work and experience. You never know who you’re going to help

  5. Stuff like this is always funny to see because it’s nearly a decade of trauma and depression summarized in a few paragraphs. I know your story goes much deeper than this post, though. I am happy to see you are healed/healing and wish you a peaceful future!

  6. It comes in waves
    And those waves come crashing down
    But when I feel the sand retreat between my toes
    I can breathe once again

  7. I’m glad you are feeling calmer and I hope to see you go further into the Blue.

    This is beautiful data.

  9. Massive congratulations to you! I’ve been in a similar place lately and have been getting help as well. I am finding IFS to be really interesting and cool, but always have this self doubt that “I’m doing it wrong” or “making up” what the parts are telling me. Does that concern resonate with you? If so, how did you push through and get all the value out of IFS?

  10. Hi – If I read this correctly, you were the most happy during COVID. How do you explain it?

  11. Keep on keeping on OP. For real. Progress is very much non-linear but it keeps on getting better. 🖤

    I am so proud of you and the work and progress you have very obviously put into your recovery

  12. I’m sorry about your cat. But congratulations on getting better in general

  13. ill say that i might have the same graphs as yours. im untouchable now. cheers

  15. I find it really interesting that your acale was calm-to-upset, not happy-to-depressed.

    Can you remember why you chose to measure that dimension?

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