Today the stigma around talking therapies has reduced, but the shame has now taken another direction. Men “feel they cannot cope and that they should be able to cope.
“Midlife represents a transition, but it is interesting that people perceive it as a crisis, that after 40 it all goes downhill. That negative framing is unhelpful,” says Dr Meades. “Midlife asks different questions of us.”
The consequences of holding it all in
When men’s sense of identity begins to wobble, emotional distress finds a different outlet. Commonly this is anger.
Road rage, rows at home, losing their temper at work or feeling permanently irritated are among the most common reasons men seek help. The anger itself is rarely the real problem, rather it is the only emotion men have learned to express.
“If a man doesn’t understand his anger, that becomes problematic,” Dr Meades says. “I work with men who say, ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just raging all the time’. That’s a symptom. It might be that he’s really sad about something. But getting to that takes a bit of work.”
So what can men do?
Ultimately there is no psychological silver bullet. Instead, Dr Meades argues, it begins with understanding yourself. One of the first exercises he suggests is taking stock of your own life by identifying the experiences that shaped you and that continue to influence how you react today.
In practice, that means learning to recognise your own behaviour patterns. If you lose your temper, for example, ask what is actually driving the anger. Is it sadness, or insecurity perhaps?
If you shut down during an argument, recognise that behaviour rather than leaving your partner to interpret it as indifference. With children, it can be as simple as admitting you were frustrated when you shouted, apologising and trying again.
When you can recognise why you react the way you do, it becomes easier to respond differently.
The exercises that can help men with their mental health
In one exercise, Dr Meades suggests drawing a line to denote your life sectioned into decades, marking the highs, such as achievements, relationships and happy memories above the line, and losses, such as break-ups and difficult periods below it.
Then look for patterns such as relationships that repeatedly went wrong, periods when you struggled or times when you coped better than expected. As he puts it: “When you see words in front of you, patterns emerge.”
Another exercise involves five minutes of unedited, preferably handwritten, freestyle writing prompted by the question: “What does it feel like to be me today?” The idea is to notice what emerges rather than judging or editing it.
He counsels against becoming trapped in negative thought patterns.
One method is learning to spot what Dr Meades calls automatic negative thoughts (ANTs). If, for example, you miss a gym session, you might be tempted to think “that’s it, I’ve ruined the whole programme and won’t achieve my goal”. Catching the thought and recognising it as an ANT, rather than a fact, he argues, can stop you disappearing down the mental rabbit hole and bring you back to what is actually happening.
Dr Meades also suggests that instead of being self-critical after making a mistake, ask what you would say to a friend in the same situation: “You did your best” or “This one mistake doesn’t define you.”
He believes that working to rebuild friendships can have a significant positive effect on men’s mental health.
Many men rely almost entirely on their partner for emotional support as their male friendships fade through neglect, which Dr Meades has seen examples of in his clinic. When he has asked male patients to map out their friendships, they “sometimes apologise and say, ‘There’s not going to be many people in there.’” He argues that rebuilding those networks doesn’t require dramatic gestures. It can begin by simply recognising who is missing from your life and making a deliberate effort to reconnect.
After an hour on his couch (his consulting room has one of course) I walk away in a reflective mood.
One lesson I will try to put into practice concerns ageing itself. I admitted to Dr Meades that in the gym I’m probably guilty of trying to chase a younger version of myself, invariably injuring myself in the process. Perhaps the answer is to stop pushing myself beyond my abilities and to stop measuring what I can do now against what I could do 10 years ago. Instead, I should be enjoying my current fitness levels.
Dr Meades also made a profound point about my propensity to view my life as an egg timer with more sand at the bottom.
“That’s an interesting way to view lifespan,” he says. “You could be gone tomorrow.”
It rather puts things into perspective. His advice? Try to live more in the here and now.
And as for self-reflection and understanding, maybe he is right. Maybe it’s finally time to learn how to fly the plane.
I’m Fine (But Not Really) by Dr Peter Meades is published by Robinson